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I was her once...
Jul. 11th, 2025 12:05 pm Haven't posted here in a hot minute, because generally I use this thing to back up/archive things that I don't trust Tumblr to maintain for me, but I've been having some more personal thoughts and I don't trust some of the people over there with them.
I've noticed, as I write for Depot Intern Hilda, that I've gotten awfully protective over Hilda herself. I want the kid to be herself and safe and happy, and it's hit me recently that it's because she's my younger self. Fandom in general tends to portray her as a rough-around-the-edges tomboy, and I obviously relate to that as I was one at her age (and arguably still am), but when I write her in particular, I'm writing my 15-year-old self, a girl who was deeply struggling with being allowed to be herself. That girl's peers were horrible to her because she wasn't like them - she liked video games and anime and baseball, dressed for comfort, and generally lacked in stereotypical "feminine" graces. Since they didn't know what to do with her, they bullied her on the daily, and she also was essentially separated from her gender socially. She didn't count as one of the girls, but she didn't get to be one of the boys - it was the boys doing the harshest bullying, after all.
Hilda is my younger self if she was allowed to be that person freely, and as I look back on it, I want to let that girl be safe and be herself. I want her to know she's allowed to be exactly as she is. I want nobody to try to change her or forcefem her into "appropriate" behavior. I want her to just exist and be happy and not tone herself down for anyone.
I'm trying, in retrospect, to heal my former self by giving her a safe space to exist. It's surreal to realize that I was doing it without realizing it, but I do hope it helps me feel better in the present day somehow.
I've noticed, as I write for Depot Intern Hilda, that I've gotten awfully protective over Hilda herself. I want the kid to be herself and safe and happy, and it's hit me recently that it's because she's my younger self. Fandom in general tends to portray her as a rough-around-the-edges tomboy, and I obviously relate to that as I was one at her age (and arguably still am), but when I write her in particular, I'm writing my 15-year-old self, a girl who was deeply struggling with being allowed to be herself. That girl's peers were horrible to her because she wasn't like them - she liked video games and anime and baseball, dressed for comfort, and generally lacked in stereotypical "feminine" graces. Since they didn't know what to do with her, they bullied her on the daily, and she also was essentially separated from her gender socially. She didn't count as one of the girls, but she didn't get to be one of the boys - it was the boys doing the harshest bullying, after all.
Hilda is my younger self if she was allowed to be that person freely, and as I look back on it, I want to let that girl be safe and be herself. I want her to know she's allowed to be exactly as she is. I want nobody to try to change her or forcefem her into "appropriate" behavior. I want her to just exist and be happy and not tone herself down for anyone.
I'm trying, in retrospect, to heal my former self by giving her a safe space to exist. It's surreal to realize that I was doing it without realizing it, but I do hope it helps me feel better in the present day somehow.
